worth the living.....

Yesterday my tears poured from my eyes, the sadness, the sorrow, the struggle, this missing my son weighed heavily upon my weary heart.  I went to bed thankful that I made it through the day.  Sorrow met me as soon as I woke up this morning, and I struggled to be grateful for anything, as I was riding the waves of grief once again.

I was frustrated because in my mind I knew that what I was feeling was temporary because of a holiday on the calendar.  Mother's Day was something that my enemy was banking on would destroy me, and any and all semblance of peace that I could muster.  As I struggled to get a grip on my emotions, a hymn that I used to sing with my Gram came to my mind.... "and life is worth the living just because HE lives..."  

This for me, is what my FAITH is based on, its how I am able to face uncertain days in my life, as I know that my SAVIOR lives, and HE'S alive in me.  HE is helping me get through these tough moments. All morning long I was singing the hymn, and as we began to worship at church the lyrics stuck with me, as the tears fell.

I was weary from all the tears that I had been shedding for the past twenty four hours.  I was tired, and ready to be done.  However, HE knew what I really needed and that was for me to be weepy, to be broken, and weak.  It was there in my weakness that HE met me and let me know that HE will give me the strength to continue on, to soldier on through my day.  

As the day progressed today, I kept singing "Because HE lives.... I can face tomorrow...... Because HE lives my fear is gone..... and life is worth the living.... just because HE lives."  I remained weepy, and broken most of the day today, till I made my way to my room, to have a much needed release of tears all at once.  The floodgates opened, my heart opened, and HE led me straight to the lyrics, to a rendition of this hymn.  A gospel song that speaks so deeply to my wounded, weary heart.

In this moment I am no longer in the ocean, I am on the shore once again, and I am feeling more confident that I can face uncertain days just because I know that my SAVIOR lives, and that HE holds my future in HIS hands.  I know that HE has an amazing life planned for me, and I never need to worry whether or not HE will help me.  I am thankful to know that I don't have to have this life figured out, my grief figured out, as HE is with me always.

So tonight I am resting easy as I know HE is with me, and even if tomorrow comes and is another hard day, I know that HE will help me through it all.  I am confident that because HE lives, I know that I can most certainly face tomorrow.   Even if.... I should fall, or be shoved off another cliff, I know that HE will be there, to catch me, hold me, and take me into the shelter of the most high, where I will dwell until I am able to breathe once again on my own.

I know this because the three years I spent in the ocean of immense pain and sorrow, I remained steadfast in HIS grasp.  HE held me, wrapped me up in HIS loving arms, kept hidden in the shadow of HIS mighty wings.  It was in those times where HE would breathe for me.  As my breathing changed when I lost my son.  Even in the first few moments of finding him lifeless, I struggled to breathe, to remember how to breathe.  That didn't change for three years.  That is until one day HE let me know that it was time for me to start to remember to breathe on my own.

The journey to get to that point was heartbreaking, and so full of heartache, loneliness of which I was certain at one point I would surely die from.  However as TRUE to HIS character that is described in HIS word, HE remained steadfast in HIS promises.  HE led me to treatment with medicine, so that I would able to finally be at peace for long periods of time.  I was so grief ridden, guilt ridden, and shame filled by my sons death, the way I chose to grieve, all of it was killing me..... slowly from the inside out.  HE gave me enough peace just to learn to breathe again.  

HE gave me enough peace to stay asleep for at least six hours a night, though I'm pretty sure I just passed out from exhaustion, as I hadn't had a single dream for an entire year.  I was thankful for not having nightmares anymore, yet I was worried as I knew not remember my dreams at all meant that I wasn't getting good deep sleep.  I was worried, yet HE was not.  HE was leading me all right to where I needed to be. 

During my time in treatment through medication I lost so much of myself.  I lost sight of myself, my purpose, and WHO I needed to be.  I was withdrawn, isolated, and utterly devastated.  I left my church, as I couldn't bear to be around anyone.  It didn't matter whether or not they were supportive or not, I was in so much unbearable pain, That eventually through the gift of medicine I became numb to.  All thoughts of being caring and kind left me.  I no longer cared about anything or anyone. I was withdrawn from my family, as I couldn't feel anything, other than the loss, the absence of my son.  The absence of me.... yet whenever I tried to take steps to recover the me lost in the ocean of sorrow, it was like I hit a brick wall.  The more I tried to press through, the harder I hit the wall.

Frustrated, restless and immensely jealous of the outside world, I became so desperate to rejoin the land of living.  I longed to see color once again.  To hear my children's laughter, to see my husband's eyes light up whenever he would see me.  I was restless from being so overwhelmingly weary.  I knew I needed to do something, as I know now that HE was planting a desire, to grow, to embrace the process, the pain of loss, so that I could rejoin the land of the living.

With each step I took in taking back my life, I struggled, as it didn't come easily... it still doesn't.  I was frustrated as I loved my life, my family, and above all that I loved JESUS, yet it wasn't enough.  My desire, my willingness wasn't enough to keep me out of the ocean of sorrow.  So whenever the waves of grief would come crashing in, I would cling to the sand.... desperate not to be swept away by the feelings, the emotions... the desperation of missing my son was causing me to come undone.  

It was in those moments where I really began to realize that I had been leaning on my own strength, willing myself to no longer grieve in the ocean of sorrow.  Soon I learned that living on the survivors shore meant that I would be close to the waves.  That I didn't need to fear them as HE has promised and will continue to hold steadfast to HIS promises that HE would be with me no matter where my grief would take me.

HE let me know that HE intends to keep me close to the process, as that is how I recognize and SEE the survivors in the ocean of sorrow that have yet to make it to the survivors shore.  HE is wanting me to SEE and understand, to know that even though I don't always SEE it, or understand it, this IS HIS plan.  HE is wanting me to TRUST HIM completely with my heart abandoned, as HE is doing an amazing work in me, and through me for HIS purpose.  TRUE PURPOSE in my pain, that has not been a waste, that I haven't been so wrecked just to be left in the mess of it all.  HE is filling me with TRUE CONFIDENCE at another level that HE is truly for me and NOT against me. 

HE is letting me know that HE SEES me, and knows how sad I am, how I cringe when I feel the grief coming to the surface, and HE knows as I try to swallow my tears.  HE knows I am weary from the struggle as this life that I am living really is hard.  More than ever HE is wanting to instill in me, planting firmly, deeply rooted TRUTH that BECAUSE HE LIVES.... I, can face tomorrow.  Cultivating confidence that life TRULY is worth the living,  just BECAUSE my SAVIOR LIVES.

No matter where I am, how I feel, the confusion, struggle, heartache etc.  ALL of it is KNOWN.  Which leads me to another hymn that I absolutely adore, "I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help.  My help cometh from the LORD.  The LORD which made Heaven and Earth.  HE said, HE will not suffer thy foot; thy foot to be moved.  The LORD which keepth thee.  HE will not slumber nor sleep  For the LORD is thy keeper.  The LORD is thy shad upon thy right hand.  Upon thy right hand.  Nor the sun shall not smite thee by day nor the moon by night.  HE shall preserve thy soul.  Eve forevermore.  My help,  my help.  All of my help cometh from the LORD."

"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him." Psalm 40:3

in HIS embrace ~ 

Heather 

Life on the survivors shore

Six months ago I made it to the distant shore... the survivors shore.  Washing up on the distant shore expelled from the ocean of sorrow, I gasped for air.  I struggled to breathe on my own.  It was if though I were digging my fingers into the sand, but there wasn't much to hold onto.  However in the midst of my weakness, HE was there.... holding steadfast to me.   It will be a while before HE replenished my strength enough to stand, and to eventually take my first steps.  Like Bambi, (a baby deer) I could barely stand on my own, let alone walk.  After a few weeks of taking baby steps, I felt strong enough to walk and before I could even get a few steps in, the waves of grief... the ocean of sorrow once again knocked me down, and drug me back out into the sea of despair.

Desperate to reach the shore again, I clung to HIS promises, by remaining anchored in HIS hope.  I repeated, proclaiming, and claiming HIS promises for my life.  I held on, as I was held steadfast in HIS embrace.  Within three days I found myself back on the shore, and this time it didn't take as long for me to recover, to stand, and to begin to walk. 

By January of this year, I had become restless.  Restless in the sense of knowing, believing that there had to be more to my life than just being a survivor on the shore.  I know this is when HE had me right where HE needed me to be, I was faithful, available, and teachable.  I was desperate for more, thirsty for more, hungry for more.... I knew that HE had to of had so much more planned for my life. 

As the days passed by I soon myself walking through February with HIM, still unsure, still waiting for HIS perfect timing, but becoming more and more restless from the weariness I felt.  On February 23, 2018 HE let me know that my time of waiting was over.  That night I attended a women's conference, where my life as I knew was going to be radically changed by the overwhelming JESUS encounter I was about to embark on.  That night through a soul sister HE spoke straight to my heart, "It's time to take your life back."  Feeling empowered, elated, and exhilarated, I knew I wanted that, needed that, but didn't have a clue as to how.  The rest of the weekend filled me with HIS BLESSED ASSURANCE that I was leaning in, pressing into HIS word, HIS calling for my life.   HE let me know that not only was it time for me to take my life back, I needed to let HIM write a new narrative for my life.  I needed to let go, and let HIM take me out of the sea of my own despair.  HE let me know that even if I felt like I couldn't go on, I needed to TRUST HIM, that HE would supply all of the strength that I would need to RISE UP and take courage.  To face my fears.  HE let me know that all of that would only happen if I was willing...... willing to open up again.

My heart was racing at the thought of opening up to HIM again, trusting HIM again, as what is it that HE could possibly have planned for me, and what if.... and how.... and then what..... it was in that moment of doubt, worry, and fear that HE reminded me of my life verse "Being confident of this, HE WHO began a good work in you will carry on until the completion of CHRIST JESUS."  Philippians 1:6.  With that I surrendered completely, and HE began the much needed heart work that had to take place in order to get me to where HE needed me to be.

As HE began the heart work to SHINE HIS light in the darkness of my heart, I found myself wanting to hide, as I was so shame filled I could barely see.  HE knew of the breakthrough that I would be going through in the next 39 days, but I had no idea.  On the first day of my breakthrough I found myself crying in my husbands arms, as I had to admit to the fact that I still needed help through my therapist.  I needed to spend more of our families resources. At this point in this new chapter of my life, I was about 4 weeks into a spending fast, as I grieved three main ways in losing my son.  I either ate my grief, drank my grief, or wore my grief.  I was addicted to the "retail therapy" to the point where we came dangerously close to losing our home, and I watched as my husband struggled to regain control of our families finances.  To be blunt, my ways of grieving were destroying any future HE had planned for us.

Thankfully, mercifully, graciously HE loved me through my amazingly patient, kind, loving, selfless husband.  As I laid in his arms that afternoon admitting to needing help, I cried for asking for more, feeling guilty, and so shame filled, my chest heaved with immense sorrow for all the extra pain I had caused.  My husband gazed into my eyes, held me and let me know that he therapy for me as an investment for our family, as if I were to receive healing, then that would be healing for our family.

That next day I found myself sitting in my therapists office, who is also my loving soul sister in CHRIST JESUS, and has been instrumental in leading me to HIM, to this breakthrough in my life.  As I poured my heart out to her, the restlessness I felt, she blessed me with a book that gave me the freedom to take back my life, to seek HIM, HIS truth, to SHINE HIS light in the darkness deep within me, that has taken me from being shame filled, to now living, walking out what it means to be shame-free.  

HE took me through a 39 day journey of the beginning of me, where HE was, throughout all the physical, sexual, emotional, and mental abuse that I suffered in my life.  HE took me through how all of that shame deeply impacted how I grieved my son, and why I felt the need just to be better.  I've learned that I didn't have to be grieved for wanting to move forward in my life, and not live in the ocean of sorrow, and I didn't have to feel guilty that moving forward meant that I was forgetting anything that happened.  I have begun to experience what TRUE FREEDOM looks like, in walking out freedom in CHRIST JESUS that I can be unapologetic for my faith, my trust, my love, and my purpose.  I have found purpose in my pain.  

I have made it to the survivors shore, and I have found me, the me WHO HE has always intended me to be.  Daily I am seeking HIM, to reveal to me yet another part of me that I don't know, and through trusting HIM, HE has had me video myself sharing my story, my grief, my sorrow, my suffering, so that I will begin to SEE a glimpse of WHO HE SEES when HE looks at me.  This breakthrough has led me through the most exhilarating moments of my life as my faith in HIM has been the catalyst for me to keep reaching for HIM, chasing after HIM, with my heart abandoned to all the ways of this world. 

I can truly say that JESUS truly does change everything. I can tell you that life on the survivors shore is devastatingly good.  The best kind of good.... different.... than what life was like in the ocean of sorrow.  Devastating as the pain, the loss of my son lives just beneath the surface, but through HIS steadfast love, grace, and endless mercy I've not only made it to the survivors shore, I am learning what my story is, and through each step HE is teaching me how to tell my story.  Throughout this breakthrough my purpose is becoming so much clearer.  I am being filled with HIS TRUE CONFIDENCE that my life isn't about me, rather it's about SHINING HIS light, so that when other's see me they SEE JESUS.  

More than ever I am convinced that I am NOT here by chance, but by TRUE PURPOSE to live my life to point other's to HIM.  I am convinced that when HE spoke deep into my heart that day at my gram's memorial service about the legacy she left for us, and letting me know that it was my turn now, I know what my legacy is, and that is living, leading, and THRIVING living with TRUE FREEDOM through CHRIST JESUS a legacy of faith that SHINES HIS light for the brokenhearted.  I am living a legacy that shows that HE truly is close to the brokenhearted, HE truly does bind up their wounds, and walks closely, NEVER abandoning, leaving, nor forsaking those who love HIM.  HE is trustworthy, HE is faithful, HIS love in unfailing and steadfast, and the HE is with us in the moments where we come to the end ourselves.  HE is there, helping, holding, sustaining, and in HIS perfect time as HE is SOVEREIGN HE will lead us, teach us, and guide us to where we need to be.  

I am Heather, HIS BELOVED LIGHT SHINER.  HIS ROYAL TREASURE.  I have made it through the loss, the pain, the ocean of sorrow, and am now living on the survivors shore. 

This is life as I know it..... on the survivors shore.....

in HIS embrace ~

Heather