Yesterday my tears poured from my eyes, the sadness, the sorrow, the struggle, this missing my son weighed heavily upon my weary heart. I went to bed thankful that I made it through the day. Sorrow met me as soon as I woke up this morning, and I struggled to be grateful for anything, as I was riding the waves of grief once again.
I was frustrated because in my mind I knew that what I was feeling was temporary because of a holiday on the calendar. Mother's Day was something that my enemy was banking on would destroy me, and any and all semblance of peace that I could muster. As I struggled to get a grip on my emotions, a hymn that I used to sing with my Gram came to my mind.... "and life is worth the living just because HE lives..."
This for me, is what my FAITH is based on, its how I am able to face uncertain days in my life, as I know that my SAVIOR lives, and HE'S alive in me. HE is helping me get through these tough moments. All morning long I was singing the hymn, and as we began to worship at church the lyrics stuck with me, as the tears fell.
I was weary from all the tears that I had been shedding for the past twenty four hours. I was tired, and ready to be done. However, HE knew what I really needed and that was for me to be weepy, to be broken, and weak. It was there in my weakness that HE met me and let me know that HE will give me the strength to continue on, to soldier on through my day.
As the day progressed today, I kept singing "Because HE lives.... I can face tomorrow...... Because HE lives my fear is gone..... and life is worth the living.... just because HE lives." I remained weepy, and broken most of the day today, till I made my way to my room, to have a much needed release of tears all at once. The floodgates opened, my heart opened, and HE led me straight to the lyrics, to a rendition of this hymn. A gospel song that speaks so deeply to my wounded, weary heart.
In this moment I am no longer in the ocean, I am on the shore once again, and I am feeling more confident that I can face uncertain days just because I know that my SAVIOR lives, and that HE holds my future in HIS hands. I know that HE has an amazing life planned for me, and I never need to worry whether or not HE will help me. I am thankful to know that I don't have to have this life figured out, my grief figured out, as HE is with me always.
So tonight I am resting easy as I know HE is with me, and even if tomorrow comes and is another hard day, I know that HE will help me through it all. I am confident that because HE lives, I know that I can most certainly face tomorrow. Even if.... I should fall, or be shoved off another cliff, I know that HE will be there, to catch me, hold me, and take me into the shelter of the most high, where I will dwell until I am able to breathe once again on my own.
I know this because the three years I spent in the ocean of immense pain and sorrow, I remained steadfast in HIS grasp. HE held me, wrapped me up in HIS loving arms, kept hidden in the shadow of HIS mighty wings. It was in those times where HE would breathe for me. As my breathing changed when I lost my son. Even in the first few moments of finding him lifeless, I struggled to breathe, to remember how to breathe. That didn't change for three years. That is until one day HE let me know that it was time for me to start to remember to breathe on my own.
The journey to get to that point was heartbreaking, and so full of heartache, loneliness of which I was certain at one point I would surely die from. However as TRUE to HIS character that is described in HIS word, HE remained steadfast in HIS promises. HE led me to treatment with medicine, so that I would able to finally be at peace for long periods of time. I was so grief ridden, guilt ridden, and shame filled by my sons death, the way I chose to grieve, all of it was killing me..... slowly from the inside out. HE gave me enough peace just to learn to breathe again.
HE gave me enough peace to stay asleep for at least six hours a night, though I'm pretty sure I just passed out from exhaustion, as I hadn't had a single dream for an entire year. I was thankful for not having nightmares anymore, yet I was worried as I knew not remember my dreams at all meant that I wasn't getting good deep sleep. I was worried, yet HE was not. HE was leading me all right to where I needed to be.
During my time in treatment through medication I lost so much of myself. I lost sight of myself, my purpose, and WHO I needed to be. I was withdrawn, isolated, and utterly devastated. I left my church, as I couldn't bear to be around anyone. It didn't matter whether or not they were supportive or not, I was in so much unbearable pain, That eventually through the gift of medicine I became numb to. All thoughts of being caring and kind left me. I no longer cared about anything or anyone. I was withdrawn from my family, as I couldn't feel anything, other than the loss, the absence of my son. The absence of me.... yet whenever I tried to take steps to recover the me lost in the ocean of sorrow, it was like I hit a brick wall. The more I tried to press through, the harder I hit the wall.
Frustrated, restless and immensely jealous of the outside world, I became so desperate to rejoin the land of living. I longed to see color once again. To hear my children's laughter, to see my husband's eyes light up whenever he would see me. I was restless from being so overwhelmingly weary. I knew I needed to do something, as I know now that HE was planting a desire, to grow, to embrace the process, the pain of loss, so that I could rejoin the land of the living.
With each step I took in taking back my life, I struggled, as it didn't come easily... it still doesn't. I was frustrated as I loved my life, my family, and above all that I loved JESUS, yet it wasn't enough. My desire, my willingness wasn't enough to keep me out of the ocean of sorrow. So whenever the waves of grief would come crashing in, I would cling to the sand.... desperate not to be swept away by the feelings, the emotions... the desperation of missing my son was causing me to come undone.
It was in those moments where I really began to realize that I had been leaning on my own strength, willing myself to no longer grieve in the ocean of sorrow. Soon I learned that living on the survivors shore meant that I would be close to the waves. That I didn't need to fear them as HE has promised and will continue to hold steadfast to HIS promises that HE would be with me no matter where my grief would take me.
HE let me know that HE intends to keep me close to the process, as that is how I recognize and SEE the survivors in the ocean of sorrow that have yet to make it to the survivors shore. HE is wanting me to SEE and understand, to know that even though I don't always SEE it, or understand it, this IS HIS plan. HE is wanting me to TRUST HIM completely with my heart abandoned, as HE is doing an amazing work in me, and through me for HIS purpose. TRUE PURPOSE in my pain, that has not been a waste, that I haven't been so wrecked just to be left in the mess of it all. HE is filling me with TRUE CONFIDENCE at another level that HE is truly for me and NOT against me.
HE is letting me know that HE SEES me, and knows how sad I am, how I cringe when I feel the grief coming to the surface, and HE knows as I try to swallow my tears. HE knows I am weary from the struggle as this life that I am living really is hard. More than ever HE is wanting to instill in me, planting firmly, deeply rooted TRUTH that BECAUSE HE LIVES.... I, can face tomorrow. Cultivating confidence that life TRULY is worth the living, just BECAUSE my SAVIOR LIVES.
No matter where I am, how I feel, the confusion, struggle, heartache etc. ALL of it is KNOWN. Which leads me to another hymn that I absolutely adore, "I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD. The LORD which made Heaven and Earth. HE said, HE will not suffer thy foot; thy foot to be moved. The LORD which keepth thee. HE will not slumber nor sleep For the LORD is thy keeper. The LORD is thy shad upon thy right hand. Upon thy right hand. Nor the sun shall not smite thee by day nor the moon by night. HE shall preserve thy soul. Eve forevermore. My help, my help. All of my help cometh from the LORD."
"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him." Psalm 40:3
in HIS embrace ~
Heather
I was frustrated because in my mind I knew that what I was feeling was temporary because of a holiday on the calendar. Mother's Day was something that my enemy was banking on would destroy me, and any and all semblance of peace that I could muster. As I struggled to get a grip on my emotions, a hymn that I used to sing with my Gram came to my mind.... "and life is worth the living just because HE lives..."
This for me, is what my FAITH is based on, its how I am able to face uncertain days in my life, as I know that my SAVIOR lives, and HE'S alive in me. HE is helping me get through these tough moments. All morning long I was singing the hymn, and as we began to worship at church the lyrics stuck with me, as the tears fell.
I was weary from all the tears that I had been shedding for the past twenty four hours. I was tired, and ready to be done. However, HE knew what I really needed and that was for me to be weepy, to be broken, and weak. It was there in my weakness that HE met me and let me know that HE will give me the strength to continue on, to soldier on through my day.
As the day progressed today, I kept singing "Because HE lives.... I can face tomorrow...... Because HE lives my fear is gone..... and life is worth the living.... just because HE lives." I remained weepy, and broken most of the day today, till I made my way to my room, to have a much needed release of tears all at once. The floodgates opened, my heart opened, and HE led me straight to the lyrics, to a rendition of this hymn. A gospel song that speaks so deeply to my wounded, weary heart.
In this moment I am no longer in the ocean, I am on the shore once again, and I am feeling more confident that I can face uncertain days just because I know that my SAVIOR lives, and that HE holds my future in HIS hands. I know that HE has an amazing life planned for me, and I never need to worry whether or not HE will help me. I am thankful to know that I don't have to have this life figured out, my grief figured out, as HE is with me always.
So tonight I am resting easy as I know HE is with me, and even if tomorrow comes and is another hard day, I know that HE will help me through it all. I am confident that because HE lives, I know that I can most certainly face tomorrow. Even if.... I should fall, or be shoved off another cliff, I know that HE will be there, to catch me, hold me, and take me into the shelter of the most high, where I will dwell until I am able to breathe once again on my own.
I know this because the three years I spent in the ocean of immense pain and sorrow, I remained steadfast in HIS grasp. HE held me, wrapped me up in HIS loving arms, kept hidden in the shadow of HIS mighty wings. It was in those times where HE would breathe for me. As my breathing changed when I lost my son. Even in the first few moments of finding him lifeless, I struggled to breathe, to remember how to breathe. That didn't change for three years. That is until one day HE let me know that it was time for me to start to remember to breathe on my own.
The journey to get to that point was heartbreaking, and so full of heartache, loneliness of which I was certain at one point I would surely die from. However as TRUE to HIS character that is described in HIS word, HE remained steadfast in HIS promises. HE led me to treatment with medicine, so that I would able to finally be at peace for long periods of time. I was so grief ridden, guilt ridden, and shame filled by my sons death, the way I chose to grieve, all of it was killing me..... slowly from the inside out. HE gave me enough peace just to learn to breathe again.
HE gave me enough peace to stay asleep for at least six hours a night, though I'm pretty sure I just passed out from exhaustion, as I hadn't had a single dream for an entire year. I was thankful for not having nightmares anymore, yet I was worried as I knew not remember my dreams at all meant that I wasn't getting good deep sleep. I was worried, yet HE was not. HE was leading me all right to where I needed to be.
During my time in treatment through medication I lost so much of myself. I lost sight of myself, my purpose, and WHO I needed to be. I was withdrawn, isolated, and utterly devastated. I left my church, as I couldn't bear to be around anyone. It didn't matter whether or not they were supportive or not, I was in so much unbearable pain, That eventually through the gift of medicine I became numb to. All thoughts of being caring and kind left me. I no longer cared about anything or anyone. I was withdrawn from my family, as I couldn't feel anything, other than the loss, the absence of my son. The absence of me.... yet whenever I tried to take steps to recover the me lost in the ocean of sorrow, it was like I hit a brick wall. The more I tried to press through, the harder I hit the wall.
Frustrated, restless and immensely jealous of the outside world, I became so desperate to rejoin the land of living. I longed to see color once again. To hear my children's laughter, to see my husband's eyes light up whenever he would see me. I was restless from being so overwhelmingly weary. I knew I needed to do something, as I know now that HE was planting a desire, to grow, to embrace the process, the pain of loss, so that I could rejoin the land of the living.
With each step I took in taking back my life, I struggled, as it didn't come easily... it still doesn't. I was frustrated as I loved my life, my family, and above all that I loved JESUS, yet it wasn't enough. My desire, my willingness wasn't enough to keep me out of the ocean of sorrow. So whenever the waves of grief would come crashing in, I would cling to the sand.... desperate not to be swept away by the feelings, the emotions... the desperation of missing my son was causing me to come undone.
It was in those moments where I really began to realize that I had been leaning on my own strength, willing myself to no longer grieve in the ocean of sorrow. Soon I learned that living on the survivors shore meant that I would be close to the waves. That I didn't need to fear them as HE has promised and will continue to hold steadfast to HIS promises that HE would be with me no matter where my grief would take me.
HE let me know that HE intends to keep me close to the process, as that is how I recognize and SEE the survivors in the ocean of sorrow that have yet to make it to the survivors shore. HE is wanting me to SEE and understand, to know that even though I don't always SEE it, or understand it, this IS HIS plan. HE is wanting me to TRUST HIM completely with my heart abandoned, as HE is doing an amazing work in me, and through me for HIS purpose. TRUE PURPOSE in my pain, that has not been a waste, that I haven't been so wrecked just to be left in the mess of it all. HE is filling me with TRUE CONFIDENCE at another level that HE is truly for me and NOT against me.
HE is letting me know that HE SEES me, and knows how sad I am, how I cringe when I feel the grief coming to the surface, and HE knows as I try to swallow my tears. HE knows I am weary from the struggle as this life that I am living really is hard. More than ever HE is wanting to instill in me, planting firmly, deeply rooted TRUTH that BECAUSE HE LIVES.... I, can face tomorrow. Cultivating confidence that life TRULY is worth the living, just BECAUSE my SAVIOR LIVES.
No matter where I am, how I feel, the confusion, struggle, heartache etc. ALL of it is KNOWN. Which leads me to another hymn that I absolutely adore, "I will lift up my eyes to the hills from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD. The LORD which made Heaven and Earth. HE said, HE will not suffer thy foot; thy foot to be moved. The LORD which keepth thee. HE will not slumber nor sleep For the LORD is thy keeper. The LORD is thy shad upon thy right hand. Upon thy right hand. Nor the sun shall not smite thee by day nor the moon by night. HE shall preserve thy soul. Eve forevermore. My help, my help. All of my help cometh from the LORD."
"He put a new song in my mouth, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see and fear the LORD and put their trust in him." Psalm 40:3
in HIS embrace ~
Heather
No comments:
Post a Comment